Anger Management
by Ryan Phelan
Summary: Drakken orders Shego to control her temper or else.  Big mistake.


Disclaimer: I don't own even the tiniest piece of Disney's Kim Possible, including Dr. Drakken and Shego. At least not yet…

Anger Management

The day began the way most days did at the lair…with Shego blowing something up.

"SHEGO!" Drakken yelled angrily as he examined the smoldering metal glob that was once a new toaster. "That was the Toast Master 2000! I paid eighty-five dollars for it!"

"Well, you got ripped off," Shego snapped. "That stupid thing kept burning my toast!"

"Did you try adjusting the knobs?" Drakken asked.

"I've got better things to do than mess around with knobs," she huffed.

"Shego, do you know how many things you've destroyed this week alone? There was the vacuum cleaner…"

"Hey, talk to the housekeeper. She was the one who ran it when I had a major headache!"

"And the coffeemaker…"

"I nearly choked on the bile it spewed out!"

"And my boom box…"

"That one wasn't my fault! No one but you can listen to that William Hung CD for six straight hours and not feel the urge to destroy something!"

"ENOUGH!" Drakken snapped. "The point is your temper is costing me a small fortune! Therefore I have secured the services of Dr. Jon Harper, a world famous expert in anger management."

"You did WHAT!?" Shego cried. "I do not have a problem with anger!" She slammed a glowing fist onto the kitchen countertop; several jagged cracks snaked out from under it.

"Right," Drakken said sarcastically. "Nonetheless, I've made an appointment for you."

"An appointment!?" Shego echoed. "When is it?!"

At that moment the doorbell rang.

Dr. Harper had met a lot of angry individuals, but no one like the sullen young woman sitting in the chair opposite him. She glared at him, arms folded, as if daring him to piss her off. Still, Harper was confident his tried-and-true anger management techniques would help her the way they had helped all of his other patients.

He gave her an easygoing smile. "So, Shego, how are you feeling today?"

"Fabulous. Happy-go-lucky. No anger here. In fact, I feel like skipping through a field of daises humming like an idiot. See ya." Shego got up to leave.

"Sarcasm is a common defense mechanism for those suppressing a lot of anger, and anger is unhealthy." Dr. Harper said. "Give me a chance, Shego, and I'll show you how to turn that negative energy into positive, productive energy."

Shego rolled her eyes and sat down. "You're wasting your time, Doc. I like my anger. More importantly, I need it."

"We'll see about that," Harper smiled. "I want you to try an exercise with me right now. When something makes you angry, count to ten before you react."

"Okay, but…" Shego was halfway through her thought when Dr. Harper reached under his chair, grabbed a small rubber ball, and bounced it off her forehead. Shego immediately jumped up, hands glowing threateningly.

Dr. Harper didn't flinch. "Remember, Shego, to count to ten."

Shego took a deep breath. "One…two…three…" she began.

"Good…good…"

"Four…five…six…"

"Keep going…"

"Seven…eight…nine…ten!"

"There now, don't you feel-" Dr. Harper was interrupted by a green energy blast that shot past his head. "Okay, obviously that didn't work," Harper said, unnerved but determined to hide it from his patient.

"Sure it did," Shego replied. "Otherwise I would have hit you."

"Nevertheless, I think we should try something else," Harper gulped. "Let's try to get to the source of your anger. Who or what makes you angry?"

"Kim Possible." Shego replied without hesitation.

"Okay…is there any chance of you and this Kim person talking things through?"

"No! Absolutely not, no way!"

"Well, just to be sure, why don't you try it now?" Harper pulled a sock puppet onto his right arm. "Hello Shego, I'm Kim Possible. Do you have something to say to me?"

"I'm not talking to a puppet!" Shego snorted.

"C'mon, Shego," the Kim puppet prompted. "You know there are things you're dying to say to me."

Shego grabbed the puppet's "mouth" with one hand. "This is pathetic! You think by waving a sock in my face I'll say some touchy-feely crap about how furious it makes me that Kim is so damn perfect, and how the other mercenaries laugh at me behind my back because I'm constantly being beaten by a cheerleader? You want me to say how I have to beat up those jokers to protect my rep when all I want to do is to have a good cry? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? HUH??"

Shego angrily pulled at the puppet; Dr. Harper barely managed to wriggle free before Shego tore it to shreds. "YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME, KIM POSSIBLE, BUT YOU'RE NOT! AND SOMEDAY YOU'LL BE REAL SORRY!!" She threw the pieces on the ground and stomped on them for good measure.

"Shego, please calm down! It's only a puppet!" Dr. Harper cried from behind his chair. Shego stopped and collapsed back into her chair, breathing heavily. Dr. Harper slowly stood up. "All right, maybe we should try something a little less…confrontational, like meditation. Come sit on the floor with me."

Shego and Harper sat across from each other in the lotus position. "Close your eyes," Dr. Harper said. Shego did so. "Now take slow, deep breaths…good…now let's find your center…deep breaths…let go of everything else in the world and concentrate on my voice." Harper opened one eye and looked at his patient; she did indeed look more relaxed. "With every breath you feel more and more relaxed…feel all of the tension in your body just melt away…."

Drakken stood outside the room Shego and Dr. Harper were using, getting more nervous by the minute. It had been too quiet for too long; he was beginning to think Shego had finally snapped and crossed the line. He was trying to think of a good place to dump the body when the familiar sound of Shego's energy blasts echoed off the walls. The door burst open and Harper, alive and well, came running out.

"Dr. Harper!" Drakken cried, giddy with relief. "What's going on?"

"I-I don't know!" Harper yelped. "We were mediating and out of nowhere she starts tearing the room apart!"

The noise ended abruptly and Shego came walking out, green smoke wafting from her gloves. Harper instinctively ducked behind Drakken. "Shego…" Dr. Harper said cautiously, "Is everything okay?"

"Yup," Shego replied casually.

"Then what was that outburst about?!" Dr. Drakken asked.

"I was trying to meditate as per doctor's orders, but this stupid fly just wouldn't stop with the buzzing! Well, he won't be bugging anyone ever again!"

"All right, I've seen enough," Dr. Harper said. "It seems basic anger management techniques won't cut it here."

"I was afraid of that," Drakken said. "Any suggestions, doctor?"

"Well, there are certain medications that might…"

"Great, so you're not only a quack but a dope pusher too?" Shego snapped. "You sure can pick 'em, Dr. Drakken!"

"Or she might benefit from a more intensive program," Harper said quickly. He handed Drakken a brochure. "I run a three-day retreat in the mountains. Guaranteed to help you find inner peace or your money back."

"That sounds perfect!" Drakken exclaimed. "Sign her up!"

"No!" Shego snapped. "This is where I draw the line! There is no way I'm going to spend three days "sharing" with a bunch of new age hippie flakes!"

"Oh, you'll do it all right!" Drakken snapped, "Or else!"

"Or else what?"

"Or else you're fired!!"

Shego was stunned. "You wouldn't," she said.

"Try me," Drakken glared.

For a tense moment the two locked eyes. It was Shego who blinked. "Fine I'll go," she said, folding her arms. "But I'm doing it under protest!"

"That's nice. When does she leave?" Drakken asked Dr. Harper.

"Tomorrow morning," Harper replied. "Trust me, Shego, you'll be glad you went. By the way, where we're going there are absolutely no modern luxuries to distract us, so be sure to pack lots of toilet paper."

Drakken sat at his desk doing a crossword puzzle. He never knew the lair could be so peaceful; for three days he worked on his latest take-over-the-world scheme without the usual interruptions, finishing ahead of schedule. Now there was nothing for him to do but relax and wait for Shego to return so they could begin phase two. He was almost sorry she was coming back so soon…sorry and a bit nervous. He hadn't forgotten the death glare she had given him as she boarded the bus, one that said he would pay dearly for making her go. He hoped the retreat had, if nothing else, squashed that desire.

The door opened and Shego entered the office. "I'm back," she announced cheerfully.

"Welcome home, Shego," Drakken said. "You certainly sound more chipper…I trust things went well?"

"Things went super," Shego replied with a smile. "I want to thank you for sending me there. It did me a world of good!"

"Really?" Drakken said, raising an eyebrow. "You're not the least bit…resentful?"

"Heavens, no! I never realized how my anger was preventing me from enjoying the wonder that is life," Shego said. "But I've learned to channel all that negative energy towards more productive things. Here, I made you a potholder," she took it out of her pocket and placed it on Drakken's desk.

"Thanks," Drakken said, dumbfounded. "Shego, are you sure you're all right? They didn't use any drugs or hypnosis rays, did they? Perhaps I should check your head for behavioral chip implants."

"Oh, you evil geniuses!" Shego laughed. "They did nothing of the kind. They simply taught me how to control my anger, just like you wanted."

"I see," Drakken replied. Shego seemed sincere, but he knew her well enough to suspect a put-on. He decided to go ahead with the test he had prepared for her. Drakken hit a button on his desk; seconds later a henchman walked into the room carrying a tall glass.

"Here's that grape juice you wanted, Dr. Drakken," the henchman said. He stopped in front of Shego and threw the juice on her. "Oops, sorry." As instructed, he stood there dumbly waiting for Shego's reaction.

Drakken stepped back, fully expecting Shego to knock the henchman through the wall. Instead, she pulled some tissues from the box on Drakken's desk and started blotting the stain.

"That's okay, accidents happen," Shego said with a smile.

"Shego…" Drakken said, amazed. "I'm impressed. It's like you're a whole new person!"

"I am, Dr. Drakken, and I've never felt better!"

"Excellent!" Drakken exclaimed, now convinced. "In that case, let's move on to new business. I've completed my latest genius invention, The Money Magnet!" He reached into the desk drawer and pulled out some blueprints. "With this magnet we can steal all of the world's currency, throwing the global economy into total chaos!"

"Wow, Dr. Drakken. The old me would have made some snide comment, but I now know that such hurtful words can undermine your self-esteem," Shego said. "So I'd like to give you hearty thumbs up instead!"

"Yes, well…" Drakken mumbled. He wasn't used to receiving praise. "Anyway, all we need are high energy power cells. As luck would have it, I know of a lab in North Dakota that has them. However, I heard through the grapevine that Professor Dementor is after the same power cells, so we have to make our move tonight!"

"Sure thing, Dr. D.," Shego said. "Just let me change my clothes and I'll be good to go!" She hurried out of the room.

Drakken smiled. He liked the new Shego. He made a mental note to put Dr. Harper on his Christmas card list, and got ready to leave for North Dakota.

A few hours later Drakken and Shego arrived at the lab. "All right, Shego," Drakken said as they approached the front gate, "security is pretty tight, but as usual I've devised a brilliant plan to get us inside. Just follow my lead."

"I don't think getting in will be a problem, doc," Shego said, pointing to the security booth. The guard appeared to be asleep, slumped over his desk. Upon closer inspection, however, Drakken and Shego noticed a small canister of knockout gas by his head.

"Blast!" Drakken exclaimed. "That's the same brand of knockout gas Professor Dementor uses! Come on, Shego, maybe we can still catch him!"

The two hurried inside, following a trail of unconscious people until they found the Professor. Together with three large henchmen, he was busy loading several power cells into a black bag. "Stop right there, Professor Dementor!" Drakken yelled. "Those are my power cells! I call dibs!"

"Forget it, Drakken!" Dementor snapped. "I need these cells for my latest evil invention, a gigantic freeze ray!"

"Oh, real original," Drakken said, rolling his eyes. "I too need those power cells for my evil invention which, by the way, is much cooler than yours!"

"Well, I have three very good reasons why I should have these cells," Dementor said. The henchmen cracked their knuckles and growled menacingly.

"Shego, take care of those clowns!" Drakken ordered.

Shego leaped between her boss and the henchmen, but she didn't attack. "Now boys, there's no need to get upset. I'm sure if we get a dialogue going we can reach a mutually acceptable compromise."

Drakken's jaw dropped. "Shego, what are you doing?! Make with the kicking and the punching and the hurting!"

"Just calm down, Dr. D. Violence is Mr. Anger's best friend, and we don't need friends like them."

"Maybe you don't, but I do," Dementor said. "Seize them!" The henchmen did so. "Sorry, Drakken, but I need all of these power cells. However, there are plenty of other things in this lab that might interest you, like the De-moleculizer!" Drakken and Shego were dragged into the next room, where a large cylinder chamber stood. The henchmen threw them inside while Dementor strolled over to the control panel.

"I demand you let us out of here at once!" Drakken yelled, pounding on the glass. "This isn't something you do to a fellow villain! Whatever happened to professional courtesy??"

"Sorry, Drakken. Nothing personal, just business. You really can't blame me for wanting to gain an edge by eliminating the competition." Dementor pushed a button. "In two minutes all of your molecules will go their separate ways. Have a nice afterlife!" With a smile and a wave, Dementor and his henchmen left.

"Quick, Shego, use that weird glowing energy of yours to blow a hole in…" Drakken turned around and saw Shego sitting cross legged on the floor, eyes closed. "SHEGO WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW??"

"I'm trying to visualize a plan of action through meditation," Shego said. "At the retreat I learned that wanton destruction of another's property is one of the ten temptations of the 'anger monster.' And as you know, anger is bad."

"Shego, we're about to have our molecules scattered all across this lab! I order you to forget everything you learned at that stupid retreat and get angry!"

Shego opened one eye. "You want me to go back to the way I was?"

"Yes!"

"And you won't try to change me ever again?"

"Yes!"

"And you'll put all of that in a new contract, along with a fifteen percent raise?"

"WHAT? Absolutely not!"

"Thirty seconds to de-moleculization." A computer voice announced.

"ALL RIGHT! YOU WIN! JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"You got it!" Shego said, jumping to her feet. She blasted the glass several times, melting it away until there was a hole large enough to fit through. Shego and Drakken jumped out of the chamber with seconds to spare.

"C'mon, Dr. Drakken, let's get those power cells back!" Shego took off at lightning speed; when Drakken caught up with her, she was beating the stuffing out of Dementor and his men with the force of three days' worth of pent-up aggression. At that moment Drakken realized that a few broken appliances was a small price to pay for an employee like Shego.

"That's my girl," he sighed, swelling up with pride. "My angry, sarcastic, borderline psychotic girl."

THE END


End file.
